As far as I can tell, New Year’s Resolutions typically fall into exactly two categories:
* the ones it’s a no-brainer to keep; and
* the one’s there’s no way on earth I’ll really keep but it feels nice and ambitious and all turning-over-a-new-leaf of me to put them down, so I do.
Category One might include things like “repair the back fence” when one has a dog who loves to wander the neighborhood in search of goose poop snacks. (What? Like your dog doesn’t think these are better than any treat you pay money for?) Category Two is something like “exercise five times a week,” when I’m working a fulltime job with only three days/week of daycare.
So this year, I’ve decided to create two entirely new categories of NYR – and I do hope the Resolution Police don’t find this completely unacceptable, since it seems to me that the tried-and-true categories above have
failed worked for millennia for nearly all of us. The new categories are:
* ones that are just a tad bit ambitious but that I could reasonably work on; and
* ones I wish I could make but that would require not just hard work on my part but an actual life transplant into a completely different sphere of existence courtesy of alien intervention or some other dramatic made-for-tv type procedure.
So, without further ado, here are my Resolutions for the year. I won’t insult you by assuming you need me to separate Ambitious But Doable from Life Transplant, Oh Don’t I Wish…
Ø Count calories daily for three months. Try to stay around 1400 per day. Eat chocolate anyway.
Ø Win an Oscar for my screenplay, making me the first English professor ever to win an Oscar (not to mention the first person who hasn’t written a screenplay to win one). Look fabulous giving my brief and witty acceptance speech while wearing a vintage silk dress – one of those clingy 1930s designs with the shiny side of the fabric showing on some parts and the dull side on others. If you don’t know what I mean, you need to watch more Thin Man movies. And if you’ve never heard of those, you really should start watching them.
Ø Exercise a few times a week. Keep accountable on the steps, calories, and exercise by posting daily stats. If nothing else, the potential embarrassment of saying “d’oh, I forgot to record this or even to care again today” might keep me on track.
Ø Complete a triathalon. No, I didn’t say win one. I’m just that modest in my ambitions.
Ø Try to follow our housework tasks chart at least five days per week. This is ambitious because not all the tasks on it are mine, which means motivating others in the house too. It’s also ambitious because we are nearly d r o w n i n g around here in clean laundry. I can get the stuff washed, dried, and even folded. It’s the putting away that kills me. Story of my house: it’s all in the putting away.
Ø Plan and take a fabulous family trip this summer using the (no joke) several hundred thousand frequent flier miles we collectively have.
Ø Become one of those hilarious and creative mommies who never gets frustrated with her kids’ idiosyncrasies or nags them to hurry up, who always has fun projects in reserve for moments of boredom, and who looks unbearably, unbelievably cute in her low-rise cargo pants. Also, who is not at all pretentious or condescending.
* * *
So, what are your resolutions this year? Doable or Life Transplant? Share in the Comments!