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Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Facts of (Mommy) Life

In preparation for becoming a mother, there are zillions of books one could choose to read, lots of advice available from everyone from pediatricians to friends to parents to well-meaning strangers who rub your belly in the check-out line at the frame shop. But there are lots of things that none of these books or people tell you -- that in many cases they couldn't tell you -- that are also part of being a Mommy. I think about this periodically as I come across one 12-24 month size dirty sock tucked carefully atop a can in the pantry or have to put back the food I've just given the dog so that Little Miss I-do-it can re-do the feeding. So, in no particular order, here are some things that I have determined are simply the facts of being a mommy.

1) If you own a designer purse, and you insist on continuing to carry it (which you certainly should), you should simply be prepared for its contents list to include: lipstick, wallet, diaper, sunglasses, fancy pen, wipes, cell phone, binkie, organizer, and spongy rubberized gecko.

2) The most communal room in the house is the bathroom, and you would do well to practice before the baby is born holding something on your lap while you pee. A doll is better than nothing; a small wriggling dog will be more realistic.

3) You will not only have to but will become astonishingly good at doing things one-handed. This includes cooking (even chopping with your good knives), vacuuming, unloading groceries, and carrying your three-year-old up the stairs. (The reason you only have one hand for this last is that you are also carrying your baby -- if you wondered about this, you currently only have one child.)

4) Housework takes longer when you have kids...not because they make more messes (they do) but because they want to "hep" you clean up. And when Little Miss I-do-it is in town, and you are trying to change sheets, just be prepared for a long slow process.

5) You will not only be able to multi-task; you will be able to multi-converse. Don't be surprised when childless friends are amazed by a conversation that goes like this (it's all you talking here):
"Yes, and while I was trying to watch the debate...don't put that in your mouth...I kept wondering why he wouldn't just mention that recent...I SAID take it OUT of your mouth...ballot initiative...you will get a time-out if you don't take that out of your mouth now...to refund the schools...1, 2, 3 okay -- time to sit on the steps...excuse me just a minute [walk away carrying pre-schooler; wailing ensues from other room]...which I find morally reprehensible."

It's nice to know that Mommy-dom comes with some mad skills! I know there are other facts I've forgotten, so please feel free to add to the list.


multiplesmommy said...

I SOOOO love this!! And it's true, I find myself having ridiculous conversations and doing things now without batting an eye that would not only have boggled my mind, but likely made me throw up as well, before I had children. How 'bout...

"STOP trying to saw your sister's head, she doesn't feel well."

"Excuse me, I have to go dig floam out of my 2-yr-old's nose."

"We DO NOT put cheese on our feet."

Of course, none of those hold a candle to the ability to blithely discuss our children's bodily functions in mixed company (parents and non-parents), at the dinner table, and across a crowded room.

And who made the rule that all the gross jobs belong to Mommy? There was an obvious lack of anyone else in the room when I changed the vomit-covered sheets in Minnie 2's room at 1:30am, or washed said child's hands after she stuck them down her dirty diaper, or fumigated her after she played in the toilet (hmmm, I'm realizing a pattern with Minnie 2...)

I have also developed, according to Husband, an incredibly accurate pacifier-homing-beacon. I can find one of those clear ones at 50 yards under a pile of toys, day-old clothes and empty sippy cups. He can't find one that's sitting out in the open on the kitchen table. It's nice to feel talented.

MommyTime said...

Thanks for the excellent additions -- and I'm so glad you're finally visiting here! The binkie-beacon is a seriously good skill I hadn't thought of. And I'm sure you have excellent skills in other arenas too, so don't despair. For example, I'm sure "floam remover" is a profession somewhere (though it might also be called "plumber"). Just know that after the kids are older, you can reapply these skills!


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