Dear Husband,

This letter is to inform you that you are in breach of contract. Prior to the conception of our Offspring (heretofore referred to as Version 1, Version 2.1 and Version 2.2), you promised me the following:

Article 1, Section 1:
“There will be no toys in the family room. All toys will remain in the Versions’ bedrooms or the playroom.”

I am here to tell you that the plastic hammer, 6 giant puzzle pieces and 3 Thomas trains I tripped over on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night, almost causing me severe bodily harm, are, in fact, toys.

Article 2, Section 3:
“All Offspring will remain asleep, for the duration of the night, every night, beginning no later than their first birthday.”

And while you did an admirable job of ensuring this with Version 1, you have failed several times with Version 2.1, and pretty continuously for 2-1/2 years with Version 2.2. THIS is why people go postal. Consider it a warning.

Article 5, Section 5:
“There shall be no simultaneous sickness amongst Offspring. Mommy will not be expected to cater to, hold, cuddle, caress, or soothe multiple sick Offspring at any given moment.”
Article 5, Section 6:
“Only one visit to the Pediatrician shall be required per month.”

Ok, so far in the last 30 days we’ve experienced…
- 5 family members down for a week with food poisoning
- 4 down for a week with the flu
- 1 case of viral pink eye
- 1 thrown back
- 3 sinus infections
- 1 ear infection
And a partridge in a pear tree. ‘nough said?

And so, since you have violated our agreement, I have elected to utilize all of the vacation and sick days I have rolled over for the previous 5-1/2 years. Based on my calculations, I have 9 weeks of vacation and 27 sick days coming to me. My plane leaves tonight for Tahiti.

Best regards,
Your Loving Wife

P.S. The only thing the kids haven’t had this year is a virulent, pus-filled rash of some kind, so they’re due for that next. Good luck with that.