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Monday, June 9, 2008

Kangaroos Can Be Such Haters

Google thinks I know, "Why do kangaroos hate birthday parties?" But I don't know why those snitty kangaroos are haters and such party downers. It might have something to do with the requisite silly hats and their inability to blow out little candles, I suppose. Or maybe they're sick of trying to find something nice to wear that slims the pouch. Or perhaps they age in some incremental "Kangaroo Years" that are like 80-to-1 with Human Years, and they just don't want to be reminded that it's that time of year again, thank you very much. But, honestly, who worries about this?

And why does Google think I could answer this little animal psychology mystery? Am I a zoo veterinarian? Am I a psychologist? Do I play a lab-tester-of-animals on TV? No, no, and no. And yet, questions about kangaroos continue to plague this blog.

"Do kangaroos hibernate?" A simple yes-no question I cannot answer.

"How do kangaroos hibernate?"
A more complex question with a premise that (a) they do hibernate in the first place; and (b) I live or work in such close proximity to kangaroos that even in a martini-laden state, I can recite facts about kangaroo lifecycles that would stun a marsupiologist. Or whatever those kangaroo scientists are called. Google couldn't tell me the name for a scientist who studies kangaroos. Which doesn't really explain why all the kangaroo questions are coming to me, only why they aren't going to anyone else in particular.

Someone landed here searching for kangaroo exercise boots. And since I don't even know if these are boots I could wear that would make me jump like a kangaroo, or boots a kangaroo would wear to work out at the gym (they do box, right?), I can't be of much help on this one. Except to say that if kangaroos don't like party hats, what makes you think they'll enjoy wearing boots?

And here's the thing: it's not only kangaroos I supposedly know a lot about. It's a veritable zoo here at Chez MommyTime.

Do giraffes dream?
I certainly hope so. They sure don't make any kinds of noise. And if they don't talk, and they don't dream? Their lives must be the epitome of boring.

Can you help me locate a superhero giraffe? They can be elusive. My only advice is never to trust a superhero giraffe in a cape. What with the long long legs and the long long neck, that's just a recipe for disaster, not rescue.

how do giraffes respond -- an existential question that ended with no punctuation. I don't know what I'm supposed to theorize their response TO. I might answer: "ommmmmmm." That is, if they could talk. Or meditate.

Perhaps my favorite question, moving on to the next animal, is: Don’t you ever feel like a martini napkin dog? To which I can only respond: Yes. All the time. Even though I don't know whether this is a dog printed on a martini napkin (flattened, barkless, small and insignificant), or a martini one gives to a "napkin dog" (you know, like our Dog: one who comes through and cleans up whatever gets spilled). In either case, sometimes I am the one; other times I want the other. This is all very deep. And makes me want a martini.

Only to face steep competition from the vanilla stoli Chambord pineapple lucky cat. Who is, in fact, one seriously lucky cat.

And once we move on to alcoholic cats with top shelf liquor tastes, well, it all goes down hill quick. We have the inane: Furry friends to make but do not involve sitting -- who sitting? you sitting? friends sitting? do you want your friends never to sit? never to have to learn to sit? I feel drunk right along with Lucky Cat on this one.

And we have the naughty: me wanna play dog. Frankly, me wanna play grammarian. Or me wanna play something a whole heck of a lot hotter than DOG, I'll tell you that.

But that's not a post for a Monday morning on a nice little blog by a mother of a toddler and a preschooler. Even if that blog does get searched all the time for lovely thighs and perfect thighs and thighs that don't touch.

And once for Japanese teenie bopper tramp -- who certainly has thighs that don't touch. I know that without even seeing her.

All I can say to the many many many searchers desperately seeking perfect thighs who land here on a daily basis is: don't let your thighs get you down. And if they do, perhaps you'd like to invest in a grumpy kangaroo wearing a pair of exercise boots who would give you a run for your money? If nothing else, the exercise should thin your thighs. Because, sadly, that's about as close to knowing how to land perfect thighs that I'm ever going to get. But if you find that little formula on some other blog, would you come back here and share the wealth? Pretty please.

And if all else fails, buy boardshorts instead of a bikini for this summer. But whatever you do, protest bossy boardshorts. No one should have to put up with bossy boardshorts. A kangaroo sure wouldn't. So why should you?

Click here for more laughs today -- and, who knows, perhaps even animals that make sense.


Jen said...

Google analytic is the best invention EVER!! I get a laugh out of it daily. I will say yours are waayyyy funnier though.

Aimeepalooza said...

You should see what I get. There is a porn star with the name Aimee and she uses toys which can easily be confused for the kid toys I might write about and well...

MIQuilter said...

My bet for why you continue to get kangaroo hits is because of this post. It's funny what spiders (the little automatic "robots" that go thru websites looking for what they think are "key" words) pick up as important. If that's the case, it really makes me want to post something truly off the wall to see what other fun questions Google will point your way.

tara said...

wow. mostly i just have been surprised to see that people from different locations have passed through my site... (more than i was aware of so slightly creepy too) but your info is way cooler! love this post.

KD-Pie said...

Okay how do you find out how people come to your blog from google?

Back to your post. That is so funny!! And Weird.

MommyTime said...

MIQ, yes, it's true, I think you're right about the kangaroo post. And I've written ones about birthday parties too. But what cracks me up is that Google somehow ASSOCIATES the too, when there is no proximity whatsoever. I know I've written about giraffes too. But I swear, I have never ever EVER written about Japanese teeny bopper tramps. And I don't think Obachan and Ojichan would appreciate THAT Google association! :)

KD-pie: I use Statcounter. If you go to Statcounter.com, you can install it on your own site. Most people swear by Google Analytics, but I just finally installed that a few days ago, so it doesn't have a lot of good data for me yet. Any similar site tracking device will tell you how people get to your site. It's fascinating.

proseandconverse said...

Oh my golly, this was hilarious! Thank you for taking the edge off my Monday!

LceeL said...

boardshorts? Trust me, you don't want to see me in shorts - of any kind. However, I just ordered a tee shirt that boasts "I tried Polygamy' -- which refers to Polygamy Porter, a brew by Wasatch Beers in Utah. And, of course, there's the motto for the porter itself - 'Polygamy Porter, too good to have just one.' All of which I would vote for.

Tara R. said...

Where do these people come up with these search terms. Very curious.

foolery said...

I'm trying to figure out what info Mr./Mrs. "Do giraffes dream?" might have been hoping for. Imagine the answer YES. Now imagine the answer NO. Was that helpful?

Great laugh, MT -- thanks, as always (and I have finally caught up).

Bananas said...

I totally feel like a martini napkin dog.

auds at barking mad said...

Google analytics is AWESOME! I keep cutting and pasting all my results into a huge Word doc and one of these days, when the mental constipation passes (I'm so desperate at this point, I'm considering taking ExLax to see if it helps!) I'm going to post it.

Thanks for the laughs!

lattemommy said...

Perhaps kangaroos wouldn't hate birthday parties so much if you got them together with Lucky Cat and Martini Napkin Dog (and maybe the Superhero Giraffe, but I'm not so sure about him...).

World's Greatest Mommy said...

I've been bossed by boardshorts. It's not pleasant.

Thanks for the laughs!

Huckdoll said...

Thank you!

I needed that laugh this afternoon.

OHmommy said...

I wish I had things that did not touch. LOL. Nice searches.

I have to check mine out... It has been a while. I always get a good laugh out of it. ;)

Mama's Losin' It said...

OK you officially get the weirdest google search words I've seen yet. Is there an award for that? Has to be. We'll see that you get one.

Mrs F with 4 said...


Mrs F now wishes she had, despite dire warnings from her doctor, paid more attention to her Kegels after pregnancy No 4.....

MommyTime said...

So glad you're all laughing along with me.

Lceel, that's a funny shirt.

Foolery, you are very kind to catch up rather than just "mark as read" and move on. Truly.

Latte, I think you're right.

World's greatest: so sorry those bossy boardshorts got you down

Mama's losin' it: I'll take that award, thanks. You should see the searches that didn't make it into this post... there's at least one more in the making for sometime when I've got nothing else going on...

MultiplesMommy said...

Ok, so I'm a little late to the party, but I just want you to know that I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe while reading this. Thanks. I needed that. It was almost as good as a party going lucky cat martini dog. Wearing a napkin. :-)

Abbreviated said...

I'll have to check out adding GA.


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