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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why Did I Not Go Into Marketing?

Want to hear my latest brainstorm?

Carpet colors should be named after the kinds of dirt they will best hide.

My family room carpet, for example? Its color can perfectly be described as "Coffee Stain." Innumerable cups of coffee have been kicked over, splashed, jostled, and otherwise spread willy-nilly over that floor, and I swear to you that the carpet is the exact same color it was when we bought it. Nary a spot on it. It's not some miracle "stain-free" carpet. It's just that we had the dumb luck to be attracted to a carpet that happens to be the same color as the majority of junk that gets spilled on it. I would say a reasonable, conservative estimate is that the dirt on the dog's paws from the backyard (the porch door opens from this room), plus the spilled coffee, accounts for nearly 85% of the "uh-ohs" that end up on the floor in here. Milk, of course, does not stain in a color, and that comprises at least 10% of the spills, leaving a minuscule amount of other items (at least one of which is beer, which, last time I checked, was also a lovely golden brown) to potentially stain the carpet.

I think carpet manufacturers could make a fortune by honestly labeling their products according to the kinds of things that will be least likely to stain them.

Then busy people like us, who don't have a whole lot of time to waste in carpet stores, and who don't enjoy corralling noisy preschoolers in "boring" public places anyway, could simply march right in and say something like, "What can you show me at different price points in a nice shade of "Watered-down Orange Juice?"

Drink a lot of red wine? You just go in and ask for the "Cabernet" carpets.

Do a lot of gardening? You want either "Grass Stain" or "Loose Dirt" or "Desert Sand" depending on where you live.

All carpet manufacturers should have to produce carpets of exactly the same color names. It would be fine if the shades were subtly different, the piles varied, the fibers were unique, some were pile, and some were Berber. That's where the price variations would come.

I just want to know: which one will be most likely to make it look like I keep a reasonably clean house if I have guests stop by unexpectedly?

I think this has real potential to help consumers out, don't you? Now, why haven't the carpet makers thought of this yet?


Rachel said...

You're amazing!

If I could afford new carpet, I'd need a multi-color, though. Kind of a loose dirt-milk-stain-ground-in-banana-grape-jelly-cheezit hue.

MEP said...

We bought our house five years ago for a couple who installed some light-colored carpet that I will call "good color for selling your house but too bad for the poor schmucks who move in and try to keep it clean." Perhaps when we put the house on the market, the blurb can mention "textured, grey-ish carpet throughout second floor with spots of off white."

Years ago, my girlfriends and I were imagining if Pottery Barn were called Potty Barn and then coming up with paint colors for the Potty Barn store . . . you can imagine the kind of shades we discussed.

MEP said...

Um, I meant bought our house "from" a couple.

calicobebop said...

I would have to go with the "cat vomit" color. Sorry, but that's what winds up on our floors most often.

I completely understand if you never want to visit my house.

MommyTime said...

Rachel, hahaha! I know that color. In the savvy marketing biz, we call it "Rich Earth." In mom-speak, it's "Mudroom Floor," and is, in fact, the color of the tile I installed on our mudroom floor. :)

MEP, we actually looked at a house when I was pregnant with Son that had carpet whose color can only be named "Pure as the Driven Snow." It was so white and new that I was afraid to look at it. They were making people take off their shoes to tour the house -- which doesn't do a whole lot to encourage pregnant-dog-owning potential buyers that this is they house for them. We walked right out.

Calicobebop, I'm actually laughing out loud at my desk. Thankfully, the coffee is all gone, so it's not snorted onto the keyboard. :)

Kim said...

I would need bananayogurtcoffeeapplejuice color carpet..

Can you imagine how pretty that is? bahaha

Marinka said...

This is pure genius. I may need to get my walls carpeted as well.

Julie said...

We're planning on new carpet this year and I'm searching for a nice "Iams Thrown Up by the Cats" color in shag.

Scribbit said...

You crack me up :) That's one reason we put in black carpet.

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Out here they actually sell a carpet called Desert Sand because of that very reason.

I've always thought naming paint colors owuld be a fun job.

LceeL said...

I'll buy a roll of that Never Be White Again stuff.

DCUrbanDad said...

I could have used a cab-rug on New Year's Eve. When I leaned over to pick up my keys I knocked over my whole glass of wine. Needless to say it put a damper on the evenings festivities.

I could also use dog vomit colored carpet.

Mrs F with 4 said...

We actually HAVE white carpets. Upstairs and down. No, I didn't put them in. Yes, they are completely impractical.

Except for the basement, that is, which is part bile-green and part calf-scour yellow. The previous owners moved to South Korea, probably just to escape the carpets.

I'm thinking of installing a 'Mrs F' shade (sallow with a hint of freckle), in order to be completely camouflaged when lying exhausted in earshot of ever increasing whining.

LaskiGal said...

I am absolutely amazed by your sheer brilliance.


NOT surprised, however.


KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

That is genius. Srsly.

Hairline Fracture said...

You are so smart!

Daisy said...

I grew up in a house with unique carpet; it camouflaged the cat vomit. Imagine that! No, on the other hand, don't.

Jaina said...

That's actually a really great idea.


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