I Don't Recommend Licking the TV Screen

Son's current favorite tv is anything on the Food Network. He loves Chopped and Ace of Cakes and Food Network Challenge. He watches Paula Deen with serious concentration. He actually spoke the following sentence the other day: "no, not that show; I don't feel like watching Guy Fiere right now."

In case you've forgotten...Son is five years old.

At the end of a long day of playing, swimming, going to the library, drawing pictures, running errands, playing Hot Wheels, and taunting his sister, Son likes nothing better than to settle down for half an hour of Food tv between dinner and bed.

There are certainly far worse things that he could watch. Food tv is G-rated, creative, and hardly likely to give him nightmares.

But I will say this: Food tv is completely addictive. I find that after I read stories and tuck in the kids, it's very difficult to turn off this compelling television. WHO will win the throw down -- Bobby Flay or the sushi chef he challenged? (the sushi chef) Will Robert finally fail one of his impossible challenges? Will today finally be the day when I stop being distracted by her makeup (hello insanely high purple eyeshadow and high-school-bubblegum-pink lipstick!) and can pay attention to what Giada is cooking? Why exactly is Alton Brown so weird?

And apart from the personalities, there is the food...perfect Asian dumplings, espresso crusted sea bass, key lime pie, coconut shrimp, burgers made with chocolate in them...you name it, I want to cook nearly all of it.

Of course, it's ten o'clock at night, and I'm not cooking anything. But this doesn't stop me from wanting perfect dumplings right this very second. And because I can't have them, I make myself a little bowl of popcorn, or an ice cream cone, or a plate of cheese and crackers, or an apple with peanut butter.

Or all of the above.

Okay, I don't actually make myself all of those things at once. But I find I am utterly unable to stop myself from snacking while watching shows about food on tv. And maybe that's their point. Perhaps they are trying to make me gain a pound or two per week, so that they can then pass me on to some exercise tv channel to combat this problem. But I doubt it, since that loses them one more viewer.

And yet I cannot figure out how on earth to enjoy watching Food tv without any plans in the immediate future to eat something delicious. It's like Food tv is crack for your eyeballs...luring you in with the siren song of well-plated meals, giving you a giant rush of empowerment through the sense that you can access the recipe and directions online and then make this yourself at home, and then letting you crash on the fact that you really can't and won't make this food right this second and thus, once again, are denied. Denial, obviously, breeds snacking.

What I need is some kind of will power or motivation that is bigger than a plate full of steaming, perfectly pan fried gyoza.

I just have no idea what that would look like.